5 - Understanding Yourself Before Leading Others

Great communicators don’t just speak clearly. They know what they bring into the room.

You can’t lead other people well if you don’t have a handle on yourself. That might sound a bit fluffy, but it’s one of the most practical truths in business. If you’re not aware of how you come across, how you react under pressure or what habits you’ve built over the years, you’re going to confuse, frustrate or unsettle the people around you.

The best leaders aren’t the loudest or the most confident. They’re the ones who know how they tick, what trips them up and how to manage their own emotions before trying to manage anyone else.

In this article, we’ll look at what self-awareness actually means in a business setting, why it matters and how to develop it without needing a personality profile or coaching session. Just a bit of honest reflection and a willingness to learn.

Why self-awareness matters in communication

Every conversation you have is shaped by more than just the words you use. Your tone, posture, timing and energy all send signals. If you’re unaware of those signals, you can end up sending mixed messages without meaning to.

Here’s what that looks like -

• You say, “I’m open to feedback,” but your crossed arms and flat tone say otherwise

• You give a team member a compliment, then immediately point out what they missed

• You think you’re being clear and direct, but others see you as abrupt or impatient

• You think you’re staying calm, but your silence reads as angry to everyone else

If you’re not tuned in to how you show up, your team will spend their energy trying to interpret your mood rather than focusing on the work.

Start by asking, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

This question can feel a bit uncomfortable, but it’s a useful one. When you walk into a room, what’s the vibe? Do people relax or tense up? Do they speak freely or wait to see where you’re going first? Do you invite questions or shut them down?

This isn’t about being liked. It’s about being aware. Leaders who understand their own impact communicate more clearly because they choose their approach instead of reacting on autopilot.

Common self-awareness blind spots

Here are a few patterns that crop up often in SME environments. See if any sound familiar.

1. “I’m just being honest”
This often means “I say what I think without filtering.” Honesty is good. Brutal honesty that leaves people deflated is not. If your version of straight-talking regularly leaves staff second-guessing themselves, it might need softening.

2. “They should know what I mean”
This usually shows up in busy environments. You give half an instruction, assuming the rest is obvious. It’s not. What’s obvious to you isn’t always obvious to others.

3. “I hate conflict so I just let it go”
Avoiding conflict doesn’t stop tension. It stores it. Then it leaks out later, often in worse ways. Being self-aware means recognising when your silence is making things harder for the team.

4. “I’m calm” (when you’re actually distant)
Some leaders pride themselves on staying calm under pressure. That’s good. But if you become so emotionally flat that people can’t read you, they start assuming the worst. Calm is useful. Cold is confusing.

5. “I’m always available”
This can sound like a strength. But if you’re always stepping in, your team never learns to stand on their own. Being aware of your urge to rescue everything lets you pause and choose when to step back.

Simple tools to grow your awareness

Self-awareness isn’t about navel-gazing. It’s about getting enough distance from your habits to see them clearly. Here are a few ways to do that.

1. Ask your team what’s helpful and what’s not
Try - “I’m looking to be more effective in how I communicate. What should I keep doing and what could I tweak?” If you ask it well and handle the answers with care, you’ll get gold.

2. Watch your own patterns
Notice what situations make you defensive, impatient or vague. When do you speak too fast? When do you avoid eye contact? These aren’t moral failings. They’re patterns. You can change them once you see them.

3. Reflect after high-stakes conversations
Ask yourself - “What went well?” “Where did I lose them?” “How did they respond to my tone?” Just five minutes of reflection can reveal useful clues.

4. Use your body as a signal
Do you clench your jaw in tension? Talk with your hands? Avoid eye contact when uncertain? Your body knows things before your brain catches up. Pay attention to what it’s telling you.

5. Catch the emotional tone
If you’re feeling annoyed, drained or fired up before a conversation, name it to yourself. That way, it’s less likely to sneak into your delivery.

A real-world example

Sam owns a mid-sized plumbing business in the Manawatū. He’s a good guy with a loyal crew, but one day his foreman pulled him aside. “When you come into the workshop in the morning and don’t say much, people get edgy. They think something’s wrong.”

Sam was shocked. He thought he was being efficient. Turns out, his quiet mood read as cold or annoyed. So, he changed one small thing. Each morning, he makes a point of saying “Morning, team” and checking in with a quick, “Anything urgent I should know about?”

It takes thirty seconds. But it’s shifted the whole tone of the workshop. That’s the power of self-awareness in action.

Final thought

You don’t need to turn yourself inside out to be a good communicator. You just need to be honest about your habits, open to feedback and willing to make a few small changes that ripple outwards.

The more you understand how you come across, the more deliberate you can be. You’ll still get things wrong sometimes. That’s normal. But you’ll also get better at noticing, repairing and adjusting.

That’s what strong leadership looks like. Not perfection. Just presence.

Next up, we’ll look at how to really listen. Because if your team, your customers and your suppliers don’t feel heard, even the best plans will fall flat.

If you’d like a confidential, free of charge, free of obligation conversation about your business, here’s how to get me.

📞 Phone +64 275 665 682
✉️ Email john.luxton@regenerationhq.co.nz
🌐 Contact Form www.regenerationhq.co.nz/contact

If you’d like to read more RegenerationHQ thinking on SME business and other things, go here – www.regenerationhq.co.nz/articlesoverview

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