David Seymour Waves Goodbye To Our Water

Selling the Spring - David Seymour Uncorks the Future of Foreign-Owned Freshwater

Ah, water. That ancient molecule. Essential for life, free to the sky, sacred to our rivers and now, on clearance at aisle five, courtesy of Associate Finance Minister David Seymour. In a bold move to fast-track New Zealand’s transformation from Aotearoa to Aqua-Cola, the Government has opted to roll back Overseas Investment Act safeguards, because if there’s one thing this country has too much of, it’s concern.

It wasn’t so long ago that Kiwis gathered in muddy paddocks and town halls waving signs reading “Our Water, Our Future.” Nationwide protests against the selling of water bottling rights to offshore investors rang out in 2017. These weren’t radical anarchists,  they were school teachers, grandparents and dairy farmers who liked their rivers unbottled and their policies coherent.

But now, in a manoeuvre so slick you’d swear it came with a non-disclosure clause, Seymour’s amendments will erase the specific clause that allowed regulators to consider the impact of a foreign investment on water sustainability or quality. No more pesky questions like “Should we let that company extract billions of litres for free while the community is on restrictions?”

Instead, water bottling will fall under the new “faster, freer, flusher” regime, in which all overseas investments are presumed innocent until proven scandalous, with decisions rubber-stamped in 15 working days - which is coincidentally the same amount of time it takes a PR firm to design a bottle label featuring a tui and the words “pure”.

But don’t worry, Seymour assures us it’s fine. The Overseas Investment Office will still technically be able to add conditions, just like you’re technically allowed to tell your boss what you think of them. It's just not advisable. As Emeritus Professor Jane Kelsey dryly noted, interpreting the bill is so confusing even she and economist Bill Rosenberg, not known for their slug-like intellects, couldn’t decipher it. But then, maybe that’s the point. If no one can understand it, no one can fight it.

Meanwhile, Seymour insists this is about “bringing us in line with other advanced economies.” Which is politician-speak for “those guys are already selling out their aquifers — why shouldn’t we?” In this vision, foreign money flows in, natural resources flow out, and Kiwis are left sipping from the recycling bin while the profits zip offshore.

And just to keep things interesting, the Government is also removing the ‘special forestry benefit test’, that tedious bit of law that made sure overseas investors had to replant trees, consider biodiversity and not turn entire valleys into slip-prone toothpicks. Now, those responsibilities will be left to a “ministerial directive letter”, otherwise known as “hope”.

Perhaps the most damning indictment comes from the Government’s own paperwork. The regulatory impact statement didn’t include analysis of the water bottling or forestry changes, probably because those details hadn’t been invented yet. Transparency, it seems, is no longer a pillar of governance but an optional extra - like fluoride or ethics.

So here we are. A nation founded on the sanctity of its land and rivers, now led by a man who thinks exporting our aquifers is a necessary sacrifice to the gods of GDP. In the end, perhaps we’ll find comfort in the knowledge that while our grandchildren may not be able to swim in the rivers, they’ll at least be able to buy a bottle of them from a vending machine in Shanghai.

Cheers.

GOVERNMENT PRESS RELEASE
From the Ministry of Foreign Acquisition and Liquid Assets

Title: "A Brighter, Wetter Future - Unlocking Investment Through Hydrological Freedom"

The Government is proud to announce the Bottled Opportunity Initiative, a comprehensive update to the Overseas Investment Act designed to remove regulatory barriers, promote foreign confidence and rehydrate economic potential through streamlined water resource engagement.

By eliminating legacy protection clauses regarding water bottling and forestry land stewardship, we are moving toward a globally competitive, liquid-based economy. These changes will ensure investment decisions can be made in under 15 days, the time it takes most New Zealanders to finish a box of bottled sparkling artisan stream.

This reform reinforces our commitment to -

• Modernising investment by trusting overseas conglomerates to self-regulate environmental impact

• Minimising bureaucratic interference (also known as “accountability”)

• Replacing rigid sustainability frameworks with agile ministerial suggestion slips

We understand some Kiwis may feel a nostalgic connection to “public resources” or “living rivers,” but must remind them that ideas like sovereignty and water purity are deeply exclusionary in today’s interconnected global beverage marketplace.

We look forward to working closely with international bottling partners to develop responsible branding that captures the cultural essence of New Zealand, such as fern motifs or slogans like “From Whakapapa to Walmart.”

Let it flow.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR FROM AN AFFECTED ORGANISATION

To the Editor,

As the Chief Executive of Ngā Awa Taonga Trust, an iwi-led organisation dedicated to protecting the mauri of freshwater systems, I write today with heartbreak.

For years we have worked tirelessly alongside hapū, farmers and councils to uphold the health of our waterways. The inclusion of water bottling in the Overseas Investment Act, while limited, was one of the few levers communities had to halt irresponsible commercial exploitation.

That safeguard is now being ripped away. We were not consulted. We were not warned and we were not considered.

This is not just about water - it is about mana. About whakapapa. About the right to determine what happens on our whenua and in our awa. That right has now been quietly auctioned off, with the proceeds heading offshore.

I urge all New Zealanders to stand with us. If the state will not protect our rivers, then the people must.

Aroha nui,
Mere Raukura
Chief Executive, Ngā Awa Taonga Trust

LETTER TO THE EDITOR FROM AN INDIVIDUAL

Dear Editor,

I live in Matatā. Last summer, our town ran dry.

The kids couldn’t play in the river. The fire brigade trucked in water from 30 minutes away. We bathed using buckets and prayed for rain.

Two weeks later, I read that a foreign-owned company got consent to take millions of litres from the aquifer beneath our feet to bottle and sell overseas - for free.

Now I read the Government’s making it even easier for them. Stripping protections. Speeding up approvals. Not even pretending to care.

If this is progress, it tastes like betrayal.

We’re not anti-investment. We’re anti-exploitation. I want my mokopuna to know what a real river tastes like - not what it costs per litre.

Sincerely,
Darren Taiwhenua
Matatā Resident

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