Back to the Future NZ Government Pioneers Bold Return to 1784

In a thrilling new chapter of regressive innovation, the New Zealand government has decided that fair pay for women is just a bit too ambitious for a nation of our calibre. Why aim for equality when you could aim for savings? So, in a masterstroke of fiscal sadism disguised as reform, all current pay equity claims have been thrown into the bureaucratic bonfire.

Gone is the pesky notion that women in female-dominated industries might be historically undervalued. Instead, claimants will now need to provide irrefutable proof that they’ve been underpaid because of their uterus, a bar so high it might as well be in orbit. Oh, and back pay? Kiss that goodbye. Because apparently justice, like avocado toast, is a luxury we just can't afford.

Workplace Relations Minister Brooke van Velden explained that the new rules ensure only “genuine” claims succeed. Translation “Please stop costing us money by asking to be treated fairly.”

It’s a breathtakingly bold stance women, you may have carried the economy on your backs during pandemics, nursed our sick, educated our children, and cleaned our hospitals, but now it’s time to tighten your apron strings and remember your place—somewhere beneath the glass ceiling and just above subsistence.

To celebrate this visionary policy, we humbly propose additional initiatives the government might consider to complete our journey back to the Age of Enlightenment (before anyone was actually enlightened)

• Reintroduce the Dignity Tax A small levy on anyone who expects to be treated with respect at work. Women and minorities pay double.

• Workhouse Reforms Rebrand them as “Community Resilience Centres.” Children as young as eight can contribute to the GDP by scrubbing coal with toothbrushes.

• Vote by Land Ownership Only If you don’t own a sizeable estate, why on Earth should your opinion matter?

• Bring Back the Dowry If women want economic security, why not just marry up? It’s called strategy, ladies.

• Official Patriarchy Day A national holiday where men are thanked for allowing women to speak in meetings all year.

It’s clear that we’re not just cutting costs, we’re cutting expectations, rights and any remaining illusions of egalitarianism. Why waste time tweaking an imperfect system when you can raze it entirely and build a replica of the 1700s, complete with powdered wigs and unpaid domestic labour?

So here’s to the future grim, nostalgic, and powered by candlelight. If you're a woman hoping for pay equity in this bold new era, we suggest time travel. Backwards.