Winston Peters Declares War on Woke
Tanks Roll Into Te Papa, Pronouns Taken Prisoner
In a bold military manoeuvre designed to rescue New Zealand from the terrors of empathy, bilingual signage, and gender-neutral bathrooms, Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters has officially declared War on Woke. The first confirmed casualty? The word “Aotearoa,” tragically gunned down in a crossfire of press releases and Parliamentary privilege.
Armed with a megaphone, a monocle of self-regard, and a crack team of culture warriors from New Zealand First, Peters has turned his sights on the greatest threat to democracy since the invention of soy milk: diversity.
The offensive began with a dawn raid on public service DEI policies, where bureaucrats were forced to surrender their unconscious bias training in exchange for something much worse: conscious bias. The next front was gender. “Biology matters,” roared Peters from the turret of a diesel-powered metaphor, while men in hi-vis cheered and women quietly Googled Canadian visa requirements.
Schools have been warned to de-wokify their curriculums. Social studies will now be replaced with “Just Shut Up and Do What You’re Told 101.” A new bill proposes that Māori language signage must be accompanied by a Union Jack and at least one reference to Anzac biscuits.
Meanwhile, gender-affirming healthcare is being quietly strangled behind the sheds, lest someone’s dignity survive the encounter with bureaucracy. If you’re trans, queer, brown, or say “intersectional” in public, best update your passport now.
Critics have likened the campaign to Trump-lite. Supporters say it’s long overdue. Peters himself insists it’s about “common sense,” a phrase that has now officially replaced all academic disciplines and complex human rights frameworks.
The strategy is clear: pick a scapegoat, punch down with theatrical flair, and declare victory before anyone notices the budget's still missing, climate targets are slipping, and the potholes are winning.
Government Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Ministry for the Preservation of Anglo-Saxon Sensibilities
"Operation Real Kiwis: Resetting the Nation’s Cultural Overcorrections"
In line with our strategic vision to Rebalance National Narratives™, the Government is proud to announce the rollout of our Culture Reinstatement & Anglo-Pacific Integrity Network (C.R.A.P. I.N.).
This comprehensive, values-led, bipartisan-in-execution-but-not-in-ideology framework will remove all publicly funded Equity Experiments™, dismantle linguistic confusion (Māori words), and reintroduce historically validated gender binaries effective retroactively to 1952.
All state employees must now complete a Compulsory National Identity Alignment Module, featuring the following units:
Spot the Snowflake (interactive)
Gender Is Biology, Not a Vibe
Maori Words That Are Just Too Confusing For Us
Minister Peters has affirmed that this initiative will “restore unity by eliminating those who cause division by existing.”
Funding will be redirected from “woke rubbish” to “real priorities,” including:
Winston’s whiskey allowance
Renovations to the War Cabinet Tea Room
A giant bronze statue of meritocracy (featuring no women or Māori)
Letter to the Editor from a Harmed Organisation
From: Executive Director, Inclusive Aotearoa Collective
Dear Editor,
We work every day to create a New Zealand where every person feels seen, heard, and valued. And every day this new government seems determined to undo that with a cruelty so petty it would make a playground bully blush.
In the name of “freedom,” they've taken away rights. In the name of “common sense,” they've enacted policies built on ignorance. The war on “woke” isn’t about accountability. It’s about silencing difference.
Our staff are fielding calls from terrified trans youth. Our Māori team members are being told to “speak English” in their own country. Funding that supported vital training on unconscious bias, institutional racism, and inclusive practice is gone—because apparently acknowledging reality is “political.”
This isn’t neutrality. It’s calculated harm.
We need New Zealanders to see through the spin. Please, if you care about fairness, raise your voice before it’s only “approved” voices left.
Aroha nui,
Tania Rameka
Executive Director
Inclusive Aotearoa Collective
Letter to the Editor from an Individual
From: Anonymous Trans Teenager, Wellington
Kia ora,
I’m 16. I used to feel like I had a future here. Now I’m not sure.
When I go to the doctor, I don’t know if I’ll be treated with respect or suspicion. When I go to school, I hear adults debating whether I’m “real.” The government says I’m a fad, a phase, a problem.
They don’t know what it’s like to feel scared just walking to the dairy. They don’t see the online hate that their speeches feed. They don’t care that I’ve started cutting again.
To anyone reading this who still believes in kindness—please don’t be silent. Use your voice. Your power. Your vote.
We’re not the threat. We’re the ones trying to survive.
J.