The Grim Reality of Fish Getting In On Cancel Culture - the grim truth

Gut Feelings and Fish Stocks - Shane Jones Declares War on Cancel Cod Culture

In a stunning display of piscine populism, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones has reaffirmed his position as New Zealand’s most self-assured marine biologist by announcing that ecological science is, in fact, optional, particularly when it gets in the way of a good yarn and a spot of industry back-patting.

Appearing before the Primary Production Select Committee with the swagger of a man who’s just caught a marlin barehanded and slapped it across the face of climate science, Jones declared:

“I don’t need deep dives. I’m not interested in that.”

Translation: if the fish aren’t complaining and Sanford’s still smiling, then she’ll be right.

The minister, who famously doesn’t believe in cameras - not for surveillance, not for transparency, and possibly not for birthday parties either, was reluctantly forced to accept their existence only after Cabinet told him to stop pouting. Cameras, he argues, are part of the "cancel culture agenda", presumably because they cancel the longstanding tradition of plausible deniability on commercial fishing boats.

With all the subtlety of a groper in a blender, Jones explained that his decision to allow fishing in previously protected marine areas was based not on any namby-pamby data, but on his own "analysis", possibly conducted with the aid of a pub napkin and a crayfish bisque.

When former Oceans Minister Rachel Brooking dared to ask whether he'd even received environmental advice before signing off the ecological plunder of the Hauraki Gulf, Jones admitted:

“Yeah, I don’t always follow advice.”

Refreshing honesty from a man who sees the ocean not as an ecosystem, but as a buffet with no closing time.

The dollar value of fish caught by the handful of operators who benefited from the Gulf rule change last year? A staggering $13,852.00. Which means we’ve undermined years of marine conservation for less than the average Auckland house deposit goes up by during a news cycle.

But for Jones, this isn’t about money. This is about ideology. "Cancel culture," he said - six times, just in case anyone missed the dog whistle, is the true enemy. In other words, the Minister for Fisheries has declared war not on overfishing, habitat destruction, or the creeping acidification of our seas… but on hurt feelings.

Meanwhile, Jones did show he’s capable of listening, not to marine biologists, but to lawsuits. Following a legal challenge from Northland iwi and the Environmental Law Initiative, he grudgingly closed the Hauraki Gulf crayfish fishery and hinted he might do the same further north, provided he has another chinwag with “the scientists”.

Teanau Tuiono of the Green Party asked whether new Fisheries Act changes would remove the Minister's ability to make fast decisions. Jones assured him that gut-based governance would remain fully operational:

“We need to ensure we don’t strip the state of the ability for a rapid response.”

Because nothing says "rapid response" like ignoring advice until litigation forces your hand.

The sea, vast and indifferent, continues to swallow our hubris whole. But don’t worry, folks. Shane’s on the tiller, no compass, no charts, just a powerful instinct and a poetic disdain for experts.

If the fish survive us, it’ll be in spite of us.

📣 GOVERNMENT PRESS RELEASE:

Ministry for Selective Sustainability & Gut-Based Governance
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION TO THE LIKELY TO AGREE

Empowering Marine Enterprise Through Intuition-Driven Regulatory Realignment

In alignment with the Government’s Rebalance, Rebuild and Reopen initiative, Minister Shane Jones has initiated a Responsible Deprioritisation of Ecological Input (RDEI) in marine policy. This paradigm shift enables fisheries management to pivot toward lived experience, instinctive assessment, and stakeholder trust — especially when stakeholders have existing berths at the Viaduct.

“Modern science has its place,” the Minister confirmed, “just not when it gets in the way of tradition, profits, or a good yarn.”

The initiative also strengthens New Zealand’s international stance as a pioneer in Applied Anti-Woke Conservationism (AAWC), a global first.

We acknowledge the ecological sector's concerns and invite them to submit feedback in a secure Dropbox folder which, due to a formatting error, may no longer exist.

📪 LETTER TO THE EDITOR – Organisation:

From: Ngāti Pēhea Marine Trust, Te Tai Tokerau

To the Editor,

Our iwi have spent decades protecting the fragile balance of the moana in Te Tai Tokerau, investing in marine restoration, education, and rāhui-led recovery. This week, our trust was gut-punched by the Minister’s announcement that he doesn’t “need” ecological advice.

When our kaumātua speak of kaitiakitanga, they don’t mean political theatre. They mean intergenerational responsibility. But in Wellington, the words sound different, muffled under the weight of industry whispering in the Minister’s ear.

Let us be clear - this is not about cameras or “cancel culture”. This is about fish that are no longer there, reefs that no longer bloom, and a sea gasping for breath.

We urge all New Zealanders to speak out. The sea feeds us all and it is being sold cheap.

Nāku noa,
Moana Rākete
Chair, Ngāti Pēhea Marine Trust

📬 LETTER TO THE EDITOR – Individual:

From: Linda Westerman, Marine Biologist, Whakatāne

Dear Editor,

I’m 34 years old. I have a PhD in marine ecology. I’ve tagged fish, dived reefs, and tracked migration patterns across the Pacific. I have student debt the size of a small mortgage and a freezer full of cheap noodles.

But apparently, my work is less valuable than a Minister’s hunch. Shane Jones says he doesn’t need deep dives. I do them every day, literal and scientific. I know what’s vanishing, and why.

I didn’t become a scientist for money. But I did hope my country might at least listen before it decides to feed our grandchildren an empty ocean.

Sincerely,
Linda Westerman
PhD (Marine Ecology), Whakatāne